What Actually Matters (And How to Figure That Out)

Ever notice how your to-do list is full of things other people think are important?

The school fundraiser. The perfect holiday decorations. The homemade treats for every classroom party. The family traditions you don't even enjoy anymore.

Meanwhile, the things that actually light you up? Those get pushed to "someday."

Let's be honest... most of us are living by a list of "shoulds" we didn't even write.

And as we head into the holiday season, those "shoulds" multiply like crazy.

You "should" host Thanksgiving. You "should" make everything from scratch. You "should" attend every gathering. You "should" make the holidays magical.

But here's what nobody's asking: What do YOU actually want?

The Problem with Living by Someone Else's Values

I used to think being a good mom meant doing it all.

The homemade meals. The perfect birthday parties. The endless volunteering. The traditions I was too exhausted to enjoy.

I told myself “This is just what moms do.”

But really? I was just afraid if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be a good mother.

And in trying to live up to “good” mother, I completely abandoned myself.

I was exhausted, resentful, and honestly? Not even sure WHY I was doing half of it.

Then something shifted.

I got clear on what was important to me. Not what I thought I should—what I ACTUALLY valued.

And I realized: Connection mattered to me. Presence mattered. Energy for what's important mattered.

But pleasing everyone? Being "on" all the time?

Those weren't my values. They were my fears dressed up as obligations.

What Are Values, Anyway?

Values are what matter most to you when everything else falls away.

They're your internal compass—the things that, when you're living aligned with them, make you feel like yourself.

Values are NOT:

• What you think you "should" care about

• What your mom valued

• What that impressive woman on Instagram values

• What makes you look good to other people

Values ARE:

• What brings you genuine energy and joy

• What you'd choose even if no one was watching

• What matters to you at your core

And here's the kicker: Most of us are carrying values that aren't even ours.

We absorbed them from our parents, our culture, social media, or that voice in our head that says "good moms do X."

And then we wonder why we're so exhausted all the time.

The Real Reason You're Burned Out

Your cup isn't empty because you're not doing enough self-care.

In part, it's empty because you're living by values that aren't even yours.

When you spend your energy on what you think you "should" do instead of what actually matters to you, you're not just tired.

You're depleted.

Because you're running on someone else's fuel.

Let me tell you about Anna (not her real name).

Anna was volunteering for every school event. Leading the PTA. Organizing fundraisers. Coordinating classroom parties.

She kept saying: "I'm so overwhelmed. I need better time management."

But when we looked at her values, "community involvement" wasn't even in her top 5.

Connection with her kids? Yes. Creativity? Absolutely. Peace? Definitely.

But all this volunteering? It was her mother-in-law's value. And Anna had absorbed it as "what good moms do."

So she made a shift.

She stepped back from most of the volunteering. She kept ONE thing that actually felt aligned (the fall festival, because her kids loved it and it was genuinely fun).

And you know what happened?

She didn't need better time management.

She needed to stop doing things that didn't align with her values.

Suddenly, she had energy again. Not because she added more self-care—because she stopped draining her cup on things that didn't matter to her.

That's what happens when you get clear on what actually matters.

How to Identify What Actually Matters to YOU

So how do you figure out what your real values are?

Start by asking yourself these three questions:

1. What brings me genuine energy and joy?

Not what you think "should" bring you joy—what actually does. Notice the difference.

2. What would I choose if guilt wasn't in the room?

Remove the "should." Remove what other people will think. What do YOU actually want?

3. When I'm living my best life, what am I honoring?

Think about moments when you felt most like yourself. What mattered in those moments?

Your answers to these questions will start to reveal your real values—the ones that are truly YOURS.

Common values include: Connection, Peace, Creativity, Rest, Joy, Authenticity, Freedom, Simplicity, Growth, Health.

But the key is identifying which ones bring YOU energy (not which ones you think you "should" value).

Putting This Into Practice

The holidays are the perfect time to practice values-based decision making.

Because if you don't get clear on what matters to YOU, you're going to end up drowning in everyone else's expectations.

Here's how to use your values as a filter:

If your value is CONNECTION:

• Skip the elaborate menu and order takeout so you can actually talk to people

• Say no to the gathering where you feel judged and yes to the one where you feel seen

If your value is REST:

• Arrive late and leave early from events

• Say no to hosting and suggest potluck instead

If your value is JOY:

• Drop the traditions that feel like obligations

• Keep only the parts of the holidays that genuinely delight you

If your value is SIMPLICITY:

• Make 3 dishes instead of 12

• Choose quality over quantity in every decision

Honestly: Sometimes you have to do something that doesn't align with your values. That's okay. Just ask: "How can I do this in a way that honors my values?"

Even small adjustments can make a big difference in how drained you feel.

What Changes When You Get Clear on Your Values

Here's what shifts when you know what actually matters to you:

Decision-making gets easier. You have a clear filter for yes and no.

Guilt decreases. You're not saying no arbitrarily—you're honoring what matters to you.

Energy increases. You stop draining your cup on things that don't serve you.

Presence returns. When you're doing what matters, you can actually be there for it.

You feel like yourself again. Because you're living according to YOUR values, not someone else's.

Ready to Get Clear?

Option 1: Do It Yourself

Download the free Values Clarity Guide and work through it in about 10 minutes.

Download Your Free Values Clarity Guide Here

It includes:

• A comprehensive values list to choose from

• A process to test if they're really yours

• A 3-question decision filter you can use for every choice

• Real examples of values-based decisions

Option 2: Let's Talk

Not sure where to start? Feeling stuck on which values are really yours?

Book a free 15-minute First Step Discovery call with me.

We'll talk about what's overwhelming you most right now and explore whether values clarity work might help.

Book Your Free First Step Discovery Call Here

No pressure. No sales pitch. Just a conversation about what you need and how I might support you.

You don't have to do it all.

You just have to do what matters to YOU.

You've got this. 💛

About the Author:

Ashley M Ghose is a life coach for overwhelmed working moms who helps them reduce stress and reconnect with confidence, clarity, and purpose through science-backed coaching techniques and somatic practices. She's the author of "Transforming Trauma" and specializes in helping moms live the life they truly want—without guilt or overwhelm.